In the past, divorce was frowned upon as parents, extended families and religious leaders usually intervened by advising couples to be patient with each other. However, divorces have been on the rise, prompting the question, are women no longer tolerant of their husbands; PAUL OKAH reports.
Nowadays, people no longer find it surprising to hear that a marriage they envied crashed regardless of how much money was spent on contracting the marriage or the intervention of relatives or even respected religious leaders. To many, divorce cases happen so frequently that the question ‘who is next?’ readily comes to mind.
In the past, women were readily blamed if anything went wrong in their matrimonial homes, including irresponsible children, drunken husbands, infidelity and other negative developments with women expected to be tolerant of their husbands’ misdemeanours in order to sustain their marriages.
However, increasing divorce cases appear to be telling a different story as women appear not to be prepared to stay in relationships or marriages to please anyone and would gladly file or initiate divorce cases no matter what society or religious leaders may think.
Citizens’ views
Speaking with this reporter, a legal practitioner and human rights activist, Mrs. Josephine Elekwe, said gone were the days when women were expected to bear the brunt of things going wrong in the family; she, therefore, advised them not to tolerate domestic violence, infidelity and others by their male counterparts.
She said: “In the time past, society frowned on women who left their marriages because of infidelity, domestic violence and other negative actions perpetuated by their husbands. However, we’re no longer living in the past. The world is fast changing and women are no longer expected to be tolerant of things that ought to be condemned in to to.
“Women should know their rights and so should not take any misdemeanour in the name of staying married. Many have lost their lives in the past because of staying in abusive marriages. There was a case of a married man bringing home different women to sleep with in their matrimonial home and rubbing it on the face of the wife. He would beat her up if she protested. Some people who didn’t understand what the woman was passing through expected her to be more tolerant and to pray for the man to change.
“Some even blamed the woman for complaining, saying men are polygamous in nature. In the end, what happened? He contracted HIV and even passed it on to the woman. Such is what many women have been enduring, but it’s not advisable. When your husband continues showing you disrespect such as domestic violence or cheating, it is advisable to leave rather than kill him and face murder charges, which has its own consequences. After all, society is made up of many single mothers, which is better than languishing in jail.”
Also speaking with Blueprint Weekend, a Nollywood actor and national youth leader of the All Progressives Grand Alliance (APGA), Comrade Eze Onyebuchi Chukwu, advised men to invest more in making their marriages work by overlooking temptations instead of rushing to cheat on their wives.
“Marriage is not for no-nonsense men and women. Real men and women take nonsense with thanks. Marriage is not for people of self- worth, rather it’s for men and women of selflessness and sacrifice. It’s for people who know their rights, but are willing to sacrifice such. It’s for those that are willing to compromise. Marriage is not a trial package, it’s a full time subscription; no reversals.
“As a married man, you must meet ladies with bigger backsides, better front shapes and sizes than your wife who pray better than your wife, are better cooks than your wife or more successful than your wife, but that does not still permit you to cheat. If you must cheat, make sure it’s with your wife. If suddenly she becomes ugly after marrying you, then it’s because you married her and made her ugly. It’s because you stopped campaigning like Nigerian politicians after elections.
“Marriage is not a Nigerian election where you stop campaigning after winning. It’s like the American election where you start governing after winning the election. If you woo her to marriage, continue governing her to retain the seat with good governance. Ladies are like a country, to keep it moving and growing, it requires a good governor and to keep winning, keep doing good for the citizens,” he said.
Similarly, a civil servant, Mrs. Favour Olarenwaju, said women are becoming competitive and won’t tolerate nonsense from men.
According to her, “The truth of the matter is that exposure to social media and technology is making women intolerant to things they usually overlook. We are no longer living in the age when women were blamed for everything going wrong at home. Many women will readily leave their marriages if the man is not willing to listen to advice or to change if there are complaints of infidelity or domestic violence.”
She said further, “It is becoming a competitive world out there and women are fast becoming what men have been over the years: Senators, ministers, CEOs/MDs, heads of multinational organisations and what have you. So, why should they be tolerant of the excesses of men? Many women are still willing to make their marriages work, especially if you accord them the respect they deserve. Despite marriages breaking down on a daily basis, many are still being contracted, apart from those who have been in marriage for decades. So, the bottom line is for a man to respect his wife, value and appreciate her. If women are treated well, there won’t be any need for divorce cases.”
Reconciliation
In his view, a social commentator and pastor, Mr. Evans Iyoyo, said pride makes most couples rush to embrace divorce instead of seeking windows of reconciliation and settling differences within their families.
He said, “Well, as a Christian, the Lord instructs us to settle issues amicably in the family. Divorce should never be the only way out; that is if couples once loved themselves. Marriage is not a jump-in and jump-out thing. It’s sacred and should be treated as such. I believe in also advising those not married yet. You see, offences will come from spouses, but a mature and God-fearing person should try to keep his or her home. It is pride that makes most couples divorce.
“We should also avoid wrong interpretations of the scriptures. Let me explain: In the Jewish tradition, if a young virgin is espoused to a man, she is not expected to be with a child. If she is found with a child, she will be stoned to death. In the case of Joseph, he wanted to put Mary away privately in order not to put her to shame, but an instruction came from God to him.”
He added, “In Matthew 1:18, Jesus on the subject of divorce, said: ‘…He which made them at the beginning made them male and female. For this cause, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall be one flesh.’ The religious leaders tried to justify their arguments, but he said it’s because of the hardness of their hearts.
“He then said ‘whosoever shall put away his wife except it be for fornication (not divorce) and marry another, committeth adultery and whoso marrieth her commit adultery’. That is Matthew 19:3-9. This is to buttress my earlier point of Joseph and Mary. Furthermore, in John 8:1-11, there was a practical incident of a woman caught in adultery but he did not condemn her but asked her not to sin anymore. In Malachi 2:14 -16, God says He hates putting away.
“Nevertheless, people should not be misguided. I never said if the marriage is fraught with domestic violence one cannot separate. I simply said there should be a window of reconciliation. That is what God expects. There is no bad marriage that God cannot heal, but if life is threatened, one can separate. I never said a partner should be in a marriage where his or her life is in pain. What I said is that there should be a window of reconciliation, instead of rushing to divorce as is obtainable in today’s Nigeria.”
