The issue of widowhood came up last week when a colleague decided to point out some salient raised in a book review that we had to revisit for emphasis. For her, the matter of widowhood is not getting the need to take the issues with utmost seriousness. Apart from harmful widowhood practices, our women are forced to cope with poverty, rape, gender discrimination, female genital mutilation, and teenage pregnancy, among others. The colleague further drew my attention to the review of the book titled, “Heartbeat of a widow: An endless pulse”, authored by ‘Bukola Olokode, which is a modest attempt by a middle-aged woman and a widow to share her experiences of what it truly means to be a widow; someone who has lost a vital part of her soul to the cold hands of death.
Olokode’s tale is a blend of sorrow and joy. It is a mixture of loneliness, abandonment, solitude, and thanksgiving. For her and those who find themselves in this condition fostered on them by nature, the secret of survival in coping with the big challenge is simply to forget about the past and move on with life, as given in the book. The author is able to articulate the coping strategies for widows in her book that is structured into nine chapters of very captivating and thought-provoking discourse. Chapter 1 is titled, “The loss”. Here, the widow narrates the moments when her loving husband died and the trauma of having to break the sad news because she was so shocked to see her husband die. She disclosed that the burden of having to absorb the shock was so much because only one of her three children.
Chapter 2, which is titled, “Endless tears”, recalls that when one loses a dear one like a husband, it becomes extremely difficult to get someone else or a replacement of who to share one’s aspirations, dreams, and beliefs with. She bemoans a wrong perception by society that when a husband dies and leaves behind a fortune, then the wife or partner does not have any problem again. She notes that this impression is erroneous and untrue, saying a widow’s cry is endless. “Traditions”, is the title of Chapter 3, where the author narrates the ordeal many widows face all in the name of observing traditions within the African setting. Such experiences, according to her, are harrowing and humiliating; contributing largely to why the widow’s heart vibrates without ceasing such as sex labour, dehumanising treatment, and diseases.
Chapter 5 is titled, “The letters”. In this chapter, the author reminiscences over the series of letters she got and also wrote following the death of her beloved husband. She singles out just four of such letters that she received because they “stroke the particular chord”. Of particular interest was that one written by her daughter to her late father, calling for his intervention in solving vital personal issues as she likened the letter as the ‘balm of Gilead’, stating that letters were not fabricated but re-presented verbatim in the new book as a means of encouragement for women having the same challenge. Chapter 6 dwells on the relationship between God and widows. Titled, “Husband to the widows”, the Olokode highlights the importance of marriage obligations to members of a family and submits that widows are God’s wives and He is always defending their interests as well as the fatherless, who are often subjected to the vagaries of life. “My testimonies”, is the title of Chapter 7, where she shares her experiences after losing her husband. Even though things have been very rough for her, she still finds the courage to move on with life.
Chapter 8 gives some wisdom, which is a collection of wise sayings that are meant to teach a wailing heart, encourage a depressed heart and troubled spirit to be alive and radiant. The nuggets become the required tonic, morale-booster, and guide. She lists out 50 of such ‘wise’ quotes including that of Herman Melville, a novelist, writer of short stories, and poet from the American Renaissance period, whose writings were published between 1846 and 1857. Finally, Chapter 9 titled, “Letting Go”, allows the author to bear her mind that though it may be difficult but the truth is that whatever loss comes to a man, it is always better to let go and move on.
In doing this, she stresses the need to curtail such worries that are mostly man-made in a bid to truly make the lives of our womenfolk worthwhile. I was forced to ask her why we need to do the review again. She simply said: “Today, our women are facing a lot of challenges at home, places of work, immediate and extended families, and societies where there are limited opportunities for them to express themselves and add value to society”. No doubt, the need to take another look at the publication would keep reminding all of why every woman must be allowed to be at her best. This is the real message from my colleague!
