By Bayo Olupohunda
Marriage, the world oldest institution for procreation which forms the basis for the family, is under the siege of domestic violence. That the scourge of spousal abuse is wrecking many homes in our country today is an open truth no one is willing to do anything about. The law seems incapable of checking violent spouses from destroying their homes and the society sits by while the family is being destroyed. Every day, we hear tales of women being battered by their husbands; in a few cases, men have also lost their lives when their wives decided to defend themselves. The incessant incidents of spousal abuse endanger the family. While a few men have been victims of the battered men syndrome, women are still the victims of abuse.
Given reports of violence in homes, a generation of young Nigerians now sees marriage as a trap. The statistics are worrisome. According to a report released by the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team, no fewer than 4,035 domestic violence cases were recorded in the last one year. The report added violence ranged from matrimonial rape, child abuse, sexual assault and sexual abuse to defilement, divorce and other matrimonial issues. The situation is the same all over the country.
Partners are unleashing the worst forms of cruelty on one another. Many women are living in fear of their lives. It is an irony that the marriage vow of “till death do us part’’ has assumed a macabre meaning. While the vow is symbolic of the fidelity and long suffering couples are meant to endure in matrimony, couples are in the real danger of losing their lives. Marriage, for many, especially the female partner appears to have become a death trap. There have been several cases when the union between the man and the woman has turned violent and led to the death of one of the partners. The examples of domestic violence in this piece provide a gruesome background into violence can turn to tragedy.
In Lagos, the death of Ronke Shonde who allegedly died of complications from domestic violence left Nigerians in shock. Though the culpability of Lekan, Ronke’s husband, has not been established in the court of law, their marriage was said to have been characterised by distrusts. It was thus inevitable that the union ended tragically. In Ibadan, the table was turned on the perception that women are the victims of abuse. The case of Yewande Fatoki Oyediran, who was alleged to have stabbed her husband, Oyelowo, to death is tearing two families apart. Both the families of Yewande and Oyelowo have become sworn enemies. The enmity between the two families will make the Montague and Capulet families feud of Shakespearean Romeo and Juliet play seem like a child’s play. The feud shows how domestic violence tears families apart.
For many women, the choice of being divorced when marriage becomes an emotional and a death trap is not an option. Many abused women will also endure the violence because of the need to stay with their children. But that reason seems absurd because when such women die from domestic abuse, the children are left in the hands of foster parents and extended family members. Men are said to also suffer violence in marriage.
The prevalence of domestic violence in many homes should be a source of concern to Nigerians. Families, faith-based organisations and the civil society must be at the forefront of advocacy to create awareness about threat this scourge poses to marriage. Over the years, there have been several laws enacted to protect couples from abuse.
But it seems the more laws that are put in place, the more domestic violence becomes endemic. There is the need to strengthen existing laws to punish spouses who deliberately inflict pains on their partners just because they are physically strong or have dominance over them. But the laws cannot take the place of the role of families.
When families of an abused spouse live in denial or play the ostrich when a spouse is being abused, they encourage the perpetrators to commit inflict more violence on their partners. When parents advise their daughters to endure domestic abuse, they should also share the blame when the inevitable happens. In homes where a spouse is subjected to abuse, the families are often aware that the woman is being violated. But they also often advise them to endure their violent husband to avoid the shame of being divorced as if being separated is not better than ending up dead.
Sadly, in the examples mentioned above, the spouses would have still been alive if they had walked away from the circumstances that led to their deaths. Faith-based organisations also have a role to play. Religious organisations like churches can intervene when marriages are spiraling into violence. The religious injunction that frowns on divorce and separation even in the face of violence has become irrelevant today. Couples must be counselled to avoid violence in marriage. But when differences become irreconcilable, divorce should become a life-saving option.
Olupohunda wrote from Lagos. Twitter: @bayoolupohunda
