Some years back, the recurring phenomenon was the mysterious disappearance of manhood. Incidents of penile evaporation became so rampant that no one could pound his chest like a gorilla while leaving home in the morning and confidently declare that he would be back armed to the bottom with his manhood…no one!
Varying methods were employed by penile thieves to fleece their unsuspecting targets of their subjacent weapons of procreation. Stories were told of how a mere exchange of handshakes with the organ thief could lead to an instant disappearance of the penis. A mere exchange of greetings or a response to an enquiry like “Please, what says your time?” could also cause the manhood to vanish mysteriously from the spot without any surgical excision.
The phenomenon became an epidemic in the mid-90s, occurring in different parts of the country. Jos City had its own fair share of the drama. Many suspects were lynched; some unlucky ones were roasted alive by angry mobs. I witnessed one of such jedwood justice meted out to a suspect at the Farin Gada Tomato Market, Jos. A man had raised an alarm that his manhood disappeared after he responded to an enquiry for a direction by a strange fellow. He claimed that as soon as he spoke, he felt some emptiness between his thighs. He promptly sounded the alarm and held the man by the collar of his T-shirt.
Sensing danger, the man struggled to wriggle himself free and took to his heels. It was a wrong decision and a waste of time as well. He was swiftly hunted down, so to speak, by the pursuers that manifested from all directions. No one cared to fiddle with the accuser’s front to find out whether or not his manhood had actually disappeared. The suspected penile bandit was beaten black and blue. His attackers were desperately looking for used tyres and petrol with which to set him ablaze when a police patrol van came by and rescued him from the jaws of death. He was a lucky man!
Another incident occurred also in Jos. I was caught in a gridlock around the Jos Polo Club roundabout while heading for Zaria Road. A suspected penile thief was fleeing for his dear life. He meandered through the traffic and heavily bumped into my car, leaving a dent. I panicked and quickly fiddled with my front to be sure my manhood was still in place. It was! If it were not, I would have leapt out of the car and joined in the pursuit, screaming: “Bring it! Bring it back!! Bring it back!!!” The suspect was chased out of my sight. So, I would not know the fate that eventually befell him.
While men were feeling insecure with their manhood in those days, the women felt safe with their private parts, except that they occasionally fell prey to organ-harvesting ritualists. But today, ritual predators are not interested in their private parts or boobs anymore. Their targets now are their panties. Theft of pants is reported every day on the pages of newspapers or on the social media. The agents of ritualists invade female hostels, and sneak into private homes to steal undies for ritual purposes.
Along the highway, bandits waylay passengers and order the women and girls to surrender their pants. Some women have decided to be moving around pantless. But the predators have also devised a means to achieve their mission. They move about with demonised pants which they force their targets to wear for a few minutes after which they repossess the items. It is a win-win situation for the criminal elements. It is said that victims of pant theft would never menstruate let alone conceive to give birth!
When the news first broke about the incidents of theft of pants, what first came to my mind was why would these robbers go through the hassle of stealing undies, waylay innocent Nigerian women to fleece them of their pants or force pants up their waists? Why can’t they toe the path of least resistance by storming the bend-down boutiques where undies of all sizes and colours are on sale and even at affordable prices? If it is all about money, which I believe it is, such used pants worn by white ladies and shipped from all over the globe would translate into US dollars, pound sterling, Euros, Swiss franc, Norwegian krone, Indian rupee, Russian ruble, Chinese yuan or even Japanese yen. This is my take.
Some of these pant thieves caught in the act are facing trial in the law courts in a country where people steal in billions. Did I hear you say the pants too can yield billions of naira in the long run when they are jujunised?
Between Buhari and February
Of all the shenanigans being traded in the political space ahead of the 2019 general elections starting on February 16, one very important link has been missing.
We have heard all manner of insults, hate speeches, fake news, etc., hurled across political divides. Unbelievable photos have been manipulated to run down political opponents or tar them in bad light, a la Vice President Yemi Osinbajo posing with strippers!
The highlight of the pull-him-down syndrome was the presentation of the United States as a no-go area for the presidential candidate of the main opposition party, the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), Alhaji Atiku Abubakar. The apostle of Atikulation was said to have avoided the US like a plague because he was “a wanted man” over an issue bordering on criminality for which his supposed American accomplice had been tried and jailed.
The camp of the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC) had dared Atiku to step on the American soil. After about 12 years, Atiku summoned up courage and flew into the US on the “wings” of the Senate President Bukola Saraki. I salute Atiku’s inner courage even when he appeared like someone whose heart was lodging in his mouth during the self-cleansing visit! I hail Saraki too for providing a cover for his principal turned aide.
Now that the US bugbear has finally been laid to rest as if Nigeria represents the 51st state of the God’s own country in the presidential challenge, the ruling APC can look deeper into their armoury in order to effectively de-Atikulate their No. 1 political foe before the first vote is cast on February 16.
Back to Buhari and the month of February. In the run-up to the 2015 polls, the presidential battle was fixed for the month of February. The pro-Buharists then came up with the coinage – Febuhari. The then ruling PDP panicked and shifted the battle to the following month. The imaginative pro-Buharists foisted another phrase – March for Buhari. The presidential joust was eventually shifted to April. Buhari’s supporters ran out of ideas but their idol eventually won the battle against all odds.
I have been wondering why the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) under Prof. Mahmood Yakubu has not come under attack for fixing February for the presidential contest knowing full well that Buhari is an offshoot of a month that is most likely to favour him.
Is it too late to shift the date? I am just wondering!
