“Abusive marriages are by far the saddest aspect of any relationship. Staying in an abusive relationship or marriage is counterintuitive. It is unreasonable, damaging, illogical, implausible, nonsensical, absurd, preposterous, irrational, foolish, sophisticated, and unsustainable.”
There is an adage that says the family is the basic unit of society because it is the family that teaches us social norms, manners, and the way of life for the first time. Family fulfills our basic needs, such as food, clothes, and shelter. It ensures love and security for all the members of the family. From within the family, we begin to develop and maintain social relationships. Although the family is the basic unit of society, this beautiful arrangement made possible by the Supreme Being, God, to raise responsible and noble persons has gradually reached its low point. Reports of unsettled homes and the growing trend of domestic violence are skyrocketing daily. Hence, making families no longer what they ought to be.
For some time, I have avoided writing about domestic violence in marriages. However, the prevalence increase in domestic violence in Nigeria has necessitated this article. Statistics have shown that most Nigerian men have subjected women to several forms of violence in the home ranging from deprivation, stabbing, suffocating, burning, acid baths, poisoning, neglect, verbal insults, degrading comments, torture and intimidation, child marriage, and abandonment. Domestic violence in Nigeria is often shrouded in silence. Recent reports suggest that most victims of domestic abuse shy away from reporting cases of domestic violence due to cultural and religious reasons or fear of stigmatization. People outside the family hesitate to interfere, even when they suspect abuse is occurring. Many times, extended family denies that abuse exists out of loyalty to the abuser and to protect the image of the family. Some people still argue—mistakenly—that intervention by outside sources endangers the sanctity of the home. Thus, shielding perpetrators and abusers from punishment.
In Nigeria today, there is barely a week without evidence of domestic violence in the news. For example, not many Nigerians will forget in a hurry the tragic story of the Nigerian gospel singer Osinachi Nwachukwu who died after suffering from alleged domestic violence from her husband, Peter Nwachukwu. Peter allegedly kicked Osinachi in the chest, leading to a blood clot that eventually killed her. When the story about the circumstances around her death broke out, the public was shocked and queried how such a gifted singer suffered domestic violence for such a long time without notice. Sadly, Osinachi joins several cases of women across Nigeria whose untimely death and injuries were because of domestic violence by a spouse or an intimate partner. Recall that the Lagos State police had recently arrested one David Idibie, who resides in Ajah, Lagos State, for the death of his 42-year-old wife, Juliana Idibie. The police arrested Mr. Idibie for allegedly beating Juliana to death. They found the body of Juliana in their apartment after a neighbor contacted them. In April 2022, Anulika Uguru, a mother of seven, died in Ebonyi State following alleged domestic violence and wife battery by her husband. The incident took place in Ekeru-Inyimaegu in Izi local government. The state chairman of Human Right Defenders (HURIDE), Sampson Nweke, who spoke to reporters, said the victim, originally from Ndiechi Onuebonyi Igbagu, had on April 19, reported a case of battery and domestic violence to his office against Sunday Uguru (the husband). Mr. Nweke explained there was a little delay in inviting Mr. Uguru to their office because of network issues in reaching his phone. He added that after a failed attempt to contact Mr. Uguru, he dialed the wife’s phone number only to be answered by another woman who said the phone owner was dead. Mrs. Abimbola, the wife of a car dealer, Ikechukwu Ogbonna, better known as IVD, reportedly passed on in a fire incident. However, the family alleged that their late daughter suffered severe domestic violence and abuse at the hands of her husband before her untimely death. A 31-year-old Tochukwu Christian Edeh gruesomely murdered a 48-year-old Abuja businesswoman, Ijeoma Phillis Chiboli, her lover whom she met on social media. According to the Nigerian Police Force public relations officer, CSP Olumuyiwa Adejobi, trouble started on October 24, 2022, when a heated argument began between both lovers over financial mismanagement. Tochukwu, who allegedly sold Ijeoma’s Toyota Highlander in May 2022, reportedly hit her with a pistol at the upper region of her body. Late Osinachi and these women are just a few Nigerian women who became victims of domestic abuse and suffered extreme physical violence at the hands of their husbands until their deaths.
In a different twist, a young lady, Ozioma Michael, desperate to avert the same fate as Osinachi, canceled her wedding with her fiancé, Mr. David Okike, based on domestic violence. Ms. Michael, on her Facebook page known as Ada Uburu, alleged that her fiancé usually hit and abused her at any slightest provocation. She lamented that her supposed husband has anger issues, beating her with his belt, stick, and broom as his daily routine. Many times, he has beaten her with a hammer. According to Ms. Michael, she met Okike during her secondary school days, but soon after he paid her bride price, he began to show his color. She added that beating her was not a part of their marriage agreement. Hence, she would not live her entire life enduring domestic violence. Therefore, she canceled the traditional marriage and white wedding ceremony between herself and David Okike.
The surge in domestic violence is not new to Benue State. Only last year, the Benue Police Command arrested a 42-year-old man, Mr. Patrick Ejiro, for allegedly beating his wife to death over N5,000. The Police Public Relations Officer, DSP Catherine Anene, who confirmed the arrest, said the husband battered his wife when she allegedly failed to remit the money from the proceeds from the sale of some family items. Preliminary findings revealed that neighbors rushed the victim to Benue State University Teaching Hospital, where she was confirmed dead by a medical Doctor. That same year, the governor of Benue State, Samuel Ortom, reconciled a Channel’s Television reporter, Pius Angbo, with his wife, Ifeyinwa Angbo. Earlier, some media outlets reported how Mrs. Angbo took to Twitter to narrate how her husband abused her. She said Mr. Angbo assaulted her because she advised him to cease spending lavishly on ladies and cater for his four children. Reacting to the trending video, Mr. Ortom said the family is barely six years with four kids. Hence, he felt a young couple of six years must be encouraged instead of trying to separate them. Recently, the court in Benue State remanded a farmer identified as Ternenge Igbaade in Makurdi Correctional Center for allegedly beating his pregnant wife to death. Magistrate Mrs. Erdoo Ter did not accept Igbaade’s plea for bail. She ordered Igbaade to be remanded in the Makurdi Correctional Center and adjourned the case to April 19. Earlier, the prosecutor, Inspector James Ewache, told the magistrate court in Makurdi that Tyoapine Sule of Tse-Agberagba in Konshisha LGA reported the case on February 22, 2023. Ewache, who noted that the victim, Kpadoo, was two months pregnant, met her untimely death when the suspect abandoned her to bleed and die.
While the number of women who have died from domestic violence remains largely unknown, it is vital to note that there are also cases of men who have lost their lives after domestic disputes with their spouses. An example is Biliyaminu Bello, who was stabbed to death by his wife, Mariam Sanda. Later, the Federal Capital Territory High Court found Mrs. Sanda guilty of killing her husband, Bilyaminu Bello. In the early hours of January 24, 2022, a 27-year-old wife, Motunrayo Oluwatoyin, allegedly killed her husband, Alaba Bakare, a 36-year-old businessman and owner of Bama Hotel in the Ojokoro area of Lagos with a hot-pressing iron. According to reports, the violent incident occurred at their home on Finance Road, Maplewood Estate, in the Oko-Oba area of Lagos State. The reports said that Motunrayo accused her deceased husband of infidelity, which resulted in a fight. She afterward stamped a hot-pressing iron on his chest, which later led to his death. She was arrested and charged to court.
In July 2022, the Adamawa Police Command arrested Caroline Barka, a 20-year-old housewife, for stabbing her late husband, Barka Dauda, to death. The police apprehended Barka, a resident of Angwan Tamiya in the Madagali Local Government Area of the state, following a report from a relative of the deceased. Reports said that the accused engaged her late husband, Barka Dauda, in a fight following an argument, which ensued between the couple after the late husband returned home drunk and fell on their one-year-old baby, who was in bed. Angered by his drunkenness, habitual late nights, and failure to provide necessities as a husband, the suspect engaged the deceased in a fight resulting in her stabbing him. He was rushed to the hospital but was later confirmed dead. Furthermore, in July of the same year, the Edo State Police Command arrested Favor Oyhou in Auchi for allegedly stabbing to death her lover, Paul Handsome. The state Deputy Police Public Relations, ASP Jennifer Iwegbu, said that around 7.30 pm in Auchi, Edo State, 25-year-old Paul Handsome was stabbed to death by his girlfriend, Favor Oyhou, who went into hiding but later arrested in Benin on July 25, 2022.
In October, the Borno Police Command arrested one Fatima Abubakar, 25, for allegedly poisoning and killing her husband, Goni Abbah. The state police command later arrested the suspect at Angwan Doki on October 19. The victim, a Chief Imam of the area, returned from the mosque when the suspect (the second wife) allegedly mixed poison in his food and served him to eat. The police said that Mr. Goni started feeling unwell as soon as he started eating. Before long, his condition deteriorated. Neighbors rushed the victim to the State Specialist Hospital, where he received emergency medical attention, but unfortunately, he later died when the couple returned home. In her statement, the suspect, Fatima, said she killed her husband because she was tired of the marriage. She added that she never wanted to marry. She revealed that she got separated from her first husband because she detests marriage but her parents forced her into a second marriage. Because she hates marriage, she killed her husband to be free. In October, the Lagos State Police Command arrested a lady, Esther Paul, for allegedly stabbing her boyfriend, Sadiq Dahiru, to death at Amusa Street, Agungi, in the Lekki area, Lagos. According to reports, Dahiru’s stepfather, Kazeem Obafunso, reported the incident at the Ilasan Police Station after he knew that his stepson died courtesy of his girlfriend. The Police officer who investigated the case rushed Dahiru to Evercare Hospital, where the doctors confirmed his death. Later, Police authorities arrested Paul and deposited the remains of the deceased at the mortuary.
On April 10, 2023, I watched a graphic video of a man beating his younger step-sister in Makurdi Benue State. In the brief clip, we could hear the woman shouting the blood of Jesus many times before she fell to the ground and passed out. At first, I thought the woman was his wife. But someone later corrected me that the woman was his step-sister. The video has made its round on various social media platforms, with folks demanding answers and calling on the authorities to arrest the aggressive man and put him behind bars. In the video clip, the vicious man beats her mercilessly, leaving her defenseless and screaming the blood of Jesus many times before falling to the ground. As the woman lay helplessly on the floor, I could hear her breathing fast and deep. In the background, you could overhear a child calling on the man as an uncle and begging him to stop the beating. It is baffling how we continue to see women as inferior to men, with no right to keep them safe. It is regretful we still take women as nothing more than property to whack around. But what did this young woman do to deserve a beating? What crime did she commit that this man beat this woman like this?
Domestic violence is a learned behavior. Men who beat women master abuse through observation, experience, and reinforcement. They believe that they have a right to use violence. Their actions give them power and control over their partner. Abusive men come from all economic classes, races, religions, and occupations. The batterer may be a good provider and a respected church member and community. While there is no one type, men who abuse share some common characteristics. They tend to be jealous, possessive, and easily angered. A man may fly into a rage because his spouse called her mother too often or because she did not take the children to school. Many try to isolate their partners by limiting their contact with family and friends. Typically, abusive men deny the abuse is happening, or they minimize it. They often blame their abusive behavior on someone or something other than themselves. They tell their partner; you made me do this. Many abusive men hold a view of women as inferior. Their talk and language reveal their attitude toward the place of women in society. Many believe that men should predominate and control women. People have linked alcohol and drugs to domestic violence but not the cause of it. Abusers can exhibit two unique problems: There are overt or covert expressions of sexism that lead to domestic violence. Manifestations of this sexism vary by social class and cultural group: Some groups are more accepting of domestic violence than others as a way of dealing with frustration or venting anger. The second but probably the most massive contributor to domestic violence is alcohol. All major theorists point to the excessive use of alcohol as a crucial element in the dynamics of wife beating. However, it is not clear whether a man is violent because he is drunk or whether he drinks to reduce his inhibitions against his violent behavior. No wonder Mazi Nnamdi Kanu said there are mad people everywhere.
The question is, how can we assist women who are victims of violence and who may need our help to break out of their pain and isolation? How can we respond to women’s abuse as priests, educators, security agents, and policymakers? What can we say to men who mistreat women and may not know how to break out of the cycle of violence? And what can we do as a nation that has failed to make progress toward recognizing the extent of domestic violence against women? We need a collective effort from family, religious leaders, government, society, and customs to answer these questions. Therefore, to answer these questions, it is vital I begin from the family unit, where everyone begins the nurturing to maturity. The family has a role to play in modeling children and their well-being. Parents must teach their children to imbibe good morals, decency, love, and respect for women. Additionally, parents should instill in their children a proper perspective of women at a young age to respect them. The advantages of this type of education should not be delegated to a single person as it is fast becoming the order of the day. The busy lifestyle of today’s parents has made little time available for attention to imbibing morals and ethics into their children. Parents should not be only satisfied or concerned with providing a good life and security for their children but also with spiritual consciousness, which surpasses wealth. In addition, parents need to have an exemplary lifestyle to emulate. Research has shown that children, no matter what they learn from their parents, tend to imitate the lifestyle of their parents. Children are great observers. Children who grow up in a violent family setting will view violent or vicious acts as a way of life and vice versa. Children need to grow up with a balanced view of life that makes them better adults who can deal with varying circumstances in life.
Religion can be either a resource or a roadblock for battered women. As a resource, it encourages women to resist mistreatment. As a roadblock, its misinterpretation can contribute to the victim’s self-blame, suffering, and the abuser’s rationalizations. Abused women often say I cannot leave this relationship because the Bible says it would be wrong. Abusive men often say the Bible says my wife should be submissive to me. They distort the biblical text to support their right to batter. As religious leaders, we should condemn the use of the Bible to support abusive behavior in any form. A correct reading of Scripture leads people to understand the equal dignity of men and women and relationships based on mutuality and love. Beginning with Genesis, Scripture teaches that God created women and men in his image. Jesus himself respected the human dignity of women. Men who abuse often use Ephesians 5:22 out of context to justify their behavior, but the passage from Verses 21-33 refers to the mutual submission of husband and wife out of love for Christ. Husbands should love their wives as they love their bodies, as Christ loves the church. The batterer also quotes the Bible and insists that the victims forgive them (Mt 6:9-15). Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the abuse or pretending it did not happen. Forgiveness is not permission to repeat the abuse. But forgiveness means that the victim decides to let go of the experience and move on with greater insight and conviction not to tolerate abuse of any type again.
An abused woman may see her suffering as a punishment for a past deed for which she feels guilty. She may try to explain suffering by saying it is God’s will or plan for my life or a way of teaching me a lesson. This image of a harsh and cruel God runs contrary to the biblical image of God as a kind, merciful, and loving God. Jesus went out of his way to help suffering women. Think of the woman with the hemorrhage (Mk 5:25-34) or the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). God promises to be present in our suffering, even when it is unfair. Therefore, I emphasize that no person should stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or annulment with anxiety that the church will punish them. Abusive marriages are by far the saddest aspect of any relationship. Staying in an abusive relationship or marriage is counterintuitive. It is unreasonable, damaging, illogical, implausible, nonsensical, absurd, preposterous, irrational, foolish, sophisticated, and unsustainable.
Many church leaders want to help abused women but worry they are not experts on domestic violence. Clergy may hesitate to preach about domestic violence because they are unsure what to do if an abused woman approaches them for help. We should remember that intervention by church ministers has three goals: Safety for the victim, accountability for the abuser, and restoration of the relationship. As church ministers, we must see ourselves as first responders who listen to and believe the victim’s story, help her to assess the danger to herself, and refer her to counseling and other specialized services. In dealing with people who abuse, church leaders need to hold them accountable for their behavior. They can support the abusive person by recommending the abuser to specialized counseling to change his abusive behavior.
A closer look into the societal perspective of domestic violence is another aspect we need to discuss. Societal and cultural ideologies prefer to discourage any woman who decides to leave apart from an abusive mate. This kind of mentality should be discouraged as we have lost many lives because of the victim adhering to the advice of family members and society to stay in an abusive marriage or relationship for fear of being tagged promiscuous or irresponsible. The Nigerian culture mostly believes that couples should tolerate domestic violence even where such cases have hospitalized the victims many times. The cultural and societal idea is that victims of such domestic violence should not voice out in public. Society believes that expressing such circumstances in public brings shame and humiliation to the family. This notion is very wrong. Passionate society members should address this mistaken cultural and societal mentality. Non-governmental agencies should organize seminars to educate the general public not to stigmatize any victim of domestic violence who decides to speak up or act decisively in such a situation. This awareness should be closely related to rural areas. The issue of domestic violence is sensitive as it bothers on a life-and-death situation.
In discussing the situation, we can bring the judicial system on board to curb domestic violence. The justice system must address the timeous dispensation of a domestic matter filed in any court of competent jurisdiction. Such issues should be time-bound. The judicial system should make a compulsory limit on the duration of the completion of such matters by a presiding judicial officer, preferably within 3-6 months. Putting restrictions on such issues in court will assist in the quick execution of justice. This idea will encourage others who are victims of domestic violence to seek protection from the law in the shortest possible time. Also, the government should set up special courts to ensure quick dispensation on such matters. In that way, many cases can be heard and decided in a short space of time. The judicial system should impose stricter imprisonment terms and fines. If we enact harsh prison terms as punishment for domestic violence offenders, it will go a long way in serving as a deterrent to other perpetrators of domestic violence. The government should set up a body responsible for reporting cases of domestic violence to all officials. It should investigate allegations against abusers confidentially. Security agencies should act swiftly to arrest any perpetrators of domestic violence when we have reasonable and sufficient evidence to support a report. Upon arrest, they should refer such cases immediately to the competent court for prosecution. We should not tolerate domestic violence in any part of Nigeria such that an increasing number of people will continue to lose their lives to domestic violence.
Some Nigerian customs view women as less than as it relates to social and cultural status. These belief systems must be adjusted to fit our modern living, particularly now that women have equally become exposed to their fundamental human rights. Hence, we should recognize domestic violence as a criminal issue through the amendment of existing legal instruments that deal with violence against women. A such amendment should mandate the police to intervene in domestic quarrels, particularly between spouses. Other stakeholders should also sensitize the need to eliminate violence against women. For example, interest groups (religious and social) should be educated, through their leaders, to appreciate the need for a close relationship rather than the familiar male-dominant culture. Educational programs should show through research and training that religious doctrines do not support violence against women.
Rev. Ma, S.J, is a Jesuit Catholic priest and PhD candidate in public and social policy at St. Louis University in the state of Missouri, USA.
