Okikiola Qasim
Sometimes when a marriage is having problems, the best suggestion maybe to ensure the marriage to work, is for the young couple to move out of the husband’s parent’s house. That is terrible advice to give, but sometimes it is the only solution. They need to be free, to make their own decisions and mistakes. Naturally, no woman wants to move out of her husband’s parent’s house, not when we are told by the Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) that:
‘Paradise lies under the feet of your mother’
But sometimes, they are given no choice, because instead of finding paradise, they find hell. I am sure this is not what any parent wants, so we have to ensure we do not behave like this. The daughter in law should be treated like your own daughter.
She has come into your family, she is now part of your family. Give her the help and support that she needs, treat her fairly and with love and she will respond and be an obedient and loving daughter in law and a loyal and loving wife to your son.
Therefore, parents are there to guide and help their children, they should not interfere in their children’s marriage. Help them, advise them, but do not try to control them.
The relationship between mother-in-law & daughter-in-law should be one of mutual respect and understanding. The daughter-in-law is not a slave, she should be treated like your own daughter and likewise, she should treat her mother-in-law like her own mother.
A lot of problems in marriages are actually brought into the marriage. The outlook and expectation of the youngsters is all wrong. They have already been caught up in this materialistic pleasure based world. They have already damaged their relationship with Allah.
No doubt we want the best for our children; we want to give them a good future, good things, freedom etc. but if we do not also give them a good religious education, develop a strong love for God, put more importance on winning the pleasure of Allah than winning material things, then we could be seriously damaging our children.
If you do not create a good Islamic atmosphere in your homes, then they may not have the Taqwa in them as you desire. So when they go to work or to University instead of being a good Muslim who has a strong relationship with Allah, they may instead seek relationships with non-Muslims, which could lead to going to pubs and clubs with them. Whilst no doubt in the beginning they will be on their guard and not do anything unIslamic, the more time they spend in such company, the greater the influence, the more they wish to please their friends rather than please Allah. If they slip, then they start on a very slippery path which could lead to drinking alcohol, drugs or more commonly dating and become very weak in their faith.
You may be unaware of this behaviour, believing that they are good believing Muslims, as this is what is being displayed in front of you. But if you arrange a marriage for them, then it is their spouse who becomes exposed to the real life of your child. They will be carrying this baggage with them into the marriage. Of course, the Holy Qur’an teaches:
“So virtuous women are those who are obedient, and guard the secrets of their husbands with Allah’s protection”
They will try to work hard for the marriage and if there are problems, will try their best to resolve them.
Therefore parents need to be aware of the needs of their children. If your child comes to you and asks you to find them someone for marriage, then you should consider it and try to look for a suitable match. Some children need to get married early, whilst others want to achieve other things first.
If you put off their request for marriage because you want to get older children married first, then you will put them in difficulties and they may start a relationship, which will then put you in difficulties. So listen to them and talk to them and if you feel they are ready to get married, then start looking for a suitable match for them.
Your boys will meet many women at college, University, workplaces. They will try their best to avoid courtship but unfortunately, it is that very thing – their purity – which often attracts women. So your boys will have to be strong, hence the need to develop their Taqwa.
You encourage your daughters to study hard trying to get good qualifications, which will lead to a good job. But again they will be surrounded by men, vying for their attention. Your children need to be reassured that you will find them a good match. Someone who is pious and compatible to them, not someone you can boast about and show off to your friends. Your children will have confidence in you finding them a good match, if they believe that you are looking for someone for them, not you. Your children deserve to have confidence in you to find good matches for them, otherwise, they will start looking to make their own matches.
So these are some of the responsibilities of parents, to not only create an Islamic environment in your home, but to also help your children create good, peaceful Islamic environments in their homes.
Source: free-islamic-course.org