By Ene Osang
Abuja
Many parents think that it’s premature to teach values to a toddler or pre-schooler. But that’s a misconception. Here are the values that all children should develop by their fifth birthday, and some easy ways to make them stick.
Honesty
Teach your child to always tell the truth. The best way to encourage truthfulness in your child is to be a truthful person yourself. Your child takes his cues from you, so it’s important that you try to avoid any kind of deception. (Never, for instance, say something like “Let’s not tell Daddy we got candy this afternoon.”) Let your child hear you being truthful with other adults.
Secondly, if your child lies to you, help her find a way to tell the truth. Even if being honest isn’t always easy or comfortable, you – and other people – always feel better if you tell the truth.
Justice
Insist that children make amends. Saying “I’m sorry” is pretty easy for a child, and it lets her off the hook without forcing her to think. Having a child make amends in a proactive way conveys a much stronger message. If you’re aware that your child has acted badly toward someone, help him think of a way to compensate. Maybe he can give one of his trucks to a playmate whose toy he has damaged. Perhaps he could draw a picture for his sister after teasing her all day. By encouraging your child to make such gestures, you emphasize the importance of treating people fairly – an essential value that will one day help him negotiate the complicated world of peer-group relationships.
Determination
Encourage them to take on a challenge. Determination is a value that you can encourage from a very young age. The easiest way to do so is by avoiding excessive praise and by providing children with honest feedback, delivered in a gentle, supportive fashion.
Another powerful way to help kids develop determination is to encourage them to do things that don’t come easily and to praise them for their initiative. If your son is shy, for instance, quietly encourage him to approach kids on the playground, even if it makes him feel nervous and scared. If your daughter is quick to blow a fuse, teach her strategies (such as counting to ten or taking a deep breath) for holding back a temper tantrum. Congratulate kids when they manage to do things that are difficult for them. The child who hears “Good for you, I know that was really tough!” is bolstered by the recognition and becomes even more determined to keep trying.
Consideration
Teach them to think about others’ feelings. Small problem-solving exercises actually help a child learn the value of consideration? You bet. Over time, even a young child sees that words or actions can make another person smile or feel better and that when she’s kind to someone else, that person is nice to her. This feedback encourages other genuine acts of consideration.
Love
Be generous with your affection. Parents tend to think that children are naturally loving and generous with their affection. This is true, but for loving sentiments to last, they need to be reciprocated. It’s chilling to realise that over the course of a typical busy day, the phrase “I love you” is probably the one that a child is least likely to hear. Let your child see you demonstrate your love and affection for the people in your life. Kiss and hug your spouse when the kids are around. Talk to your children about how much you love and appreciate their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
And, of course, don’t let a day pass without expressing your affection for your child himself. Show your love in unexpected ways: Pack a note in his lunch box. Tape a heart to the bathroom mirror so he’ll see it when he brushes his teeth. Give her a hug-for no reason. Don’t allow frantic morning drop-offs or frenetic afternoon routines squeeze loving gestures out of your day.
I can practically guarantee you that the more you say “I love you” to your child, the more your child will say “I love you” back. The more hugs and kisses you give, the more your home will be filled with love and affection. And when our children feel free to express their love to us, we instill in them, perhaps, the greatest value of all.