This piece was first published in this column in 2017. Its recall became necessary following a recent experience a young man had around the popular Sokale Roundabout in Kubwa… a sprawling settlement in the Federal Capital Territory (FCT). The roundabout is located after the Dutse Alhaji Market en route to Bwari. The young man encountered a pretty sylph (a perfect definition of figure 8) around the roundabout, took his eyes off the road momentarily and before you could spell s-y-l-p-h, he crashed his car – narrowly missing a pedestrian. It was obvious to onlookers that he came under the influence of the girl who momentarily drew his attention.
Enjoy the recall:
“Among many key factors responsible for road crashes are reckless driving such as over-speeding, overtaking at bends propelled by hard drugs and booze, faulty vehicles, and potholes/trenches. These causes are peculiar to the intercity travels.
“Intra-city causes include all of the above as well as drunk-driving, phone-driving and disregard for traffic rules. These are some of the reasons that compelled the Federal Road Safety Commission (FRSC) to throw up a policy which came into effect on July 1, 2017. With effect from that date, motorists found contravening traffic regulations including outsmarting the red lights are to be subjected to psychiatric evaluation.
“But one hidden cause which the FRSC folks have not placed their fingers on in its several years of operation is driving under the influence of women. I can see the Big Boss of the Commission, Dr. Boboye Oyeyemi, scratching his skin-cut head and wondering what driving under the influence of women means.
“Driving under the influence of women applies mostly to male drivers who cannot take their eyes off women along the road when they are behind the steering wheels. This primordial habit has caused many accidents, mostly in the cities and towns, without anyone knowing it except the drivers themselves. Many have veered off the roads and crashed into electric poles, overridden road dividers and sidewalks, hit vehicles ahead of them, careered off their lanes and collided with oncoming vehicles, doubled down the gutters or even ploughed into pedestrians.
“It is extremely difficult to find a motorist who is not in the habit of driving under the influence of women. The reason being that our roads and streets are swarming with all manner of women, young and old, who package themselves in such a way that even a monk would turn if he drives past them. It has also become customary to see motorists, private and commercial, glancing sideways like table tennis spectators, making sure that their eyes do not escape women walking along the roads.
“And by the way, is there anyone out there who is not in the dangerous habit of driving under the influence of women? Such a person should raise his hand… no one!
“Nature has made men to be attracted to women right from creation. Those who are conscious of accidents would look straight quite alright when they are behind the steering wheel but with the extreme corners of their eyes, they would still catch any attractive woman as her laps larrup, and her boobs and bumbum piston along the road. But there are some motorists who have no class and whose eyes cannot just stay in one place. They can’t miss anything in skirts. The habit is so terrible with most motorists that even after driving past these women, they will still glance and glance at their rearview mirrors until the side attractions thin out of their sight!
“Another situation where motorists drive under the influence of women is when an attractive woman attired in short skirts or tight jeans and provocative blouse sits next to a motorist. In fact, when a commercial vehicle driver finds a passenger in miniskirts and see-through blouse keeping him company, so to speak, he might not be able to concentrate on his job. His imagination is highly likely to run riot and the temptation to slightly lower his head to the right to savour the exposed (luscious) laps will be extremely irresistible… even if it is occasionally in the course of the trip. And may God save the passengers! This is because the possibility of crashing the vehicle is more than 80 per cent. Many accidents might have occurred under such influence. It is advisable, therefore, to protest a situation where a pretty lady enlists to sit close to the driver when next you are travelling by public transport!
“The okada riders are also not left out. Female passengers perch behind them with the inevitability of their boobs nestling on the back of the riders, especially when the brakes are applied. When that is done, the passengers involuntarily lounge forward and you can imagine the amount of current that would flow through the riders, possibly shocking them to lose control of their bikes!
“Some female passengers present the worst temptation by holding the riders by their waistlines instead of grabbing the seats by both sides to maintain their balance on the bikes. Waistline-grabbing can cause the okada men to begin to vibrate like someone monkeying with livewire.
“Also not helping matters are outdoor advertisers displaying large billboards in strategic locations along busy streets to promote products that have nothing to do with attractive, curvy or statistically endowed women on display, just to catch the attention of motorists (and pedestrians alike).
“Provocatively dressed women are a distraction any day and anywhere, even at worship centres. Naturally, the opposite attracts like magnet to metal… the women being the magnet that attracts the metal men.
“After reading this piece, I expect Dr. Oyeyemi to rush a bill to the National Assembly seeking the legalisation of a dress code for our women, generally. The law would empower the FRSC folks to pounce on ladies whose dressing sense is capable of dragging motorists under their influence. It will be in the interest of the lawmakers to give the bill a speedy passage. Even though most of them are chauffeur-driven, their drivers cannot be trusted not to roll their eyes from side to side even while pretending to maintain a straight face behind the wheels. As a result, fatal accidents involving their expensive cars and jeeps can occur.
“But wait a second! Are there women who drive under the influence of men? Well, I have not really paid any attention to that habit on their part. I know women can pretend but if I know them the way I know the road to my mouth even in the dark, no woman sitting behind the steering wheels would squander her precious or idle time fancying a man, any man at all, cruising along the road in a Legcedez Benz!
“My parting shot: If you are driving, don’t look at women; if you are looking at women, don’t drive.
“Safe motoring to you all this weekend!”
