On a daily basis, cases of domestic violence appear to be sending signals of the marriage institution not being what it used to be, especially with spousal killings and divorce in different states across the federation; PAUL OKAH reports.
It is becoming increasingly common to wake up on a daily basis to the news of one form of domestic violence or the other involving either newly married couples or couples who previously celebrated years of living together.
If it is not a man setting his wife ablaze as was the case in Anambra state recently, it’ll be a woman poisoning her husband to death or reportedly breaking his head for complaining about her culinary skills or even a man beating his wife to a pulp for wearing singlet to drop their children in school as was reported in Delta state not long ago.
While divorce cases, especially involving celebrities, are dominating proceedings in Nigerian law courts, spousal killings are becoming the order of the day as men and women appear to be in a competition to see which gender will surpass the other in maiming or taking the life of someone hitherto regarded as husband or wife.
‘I divorced my husband for my sanity’
Speaking with Blueprint Weekend, an entrepreneur, Josephine Ekoh, said she parted ways with her husband when their marriage became toxic, advising parents to make choices that will benefit their children.
She said, “Nigerian women are very male centred. They carry marriage on their heads like no man’s business to the extent that you’ll be killing them and they’ll still make excuses for you. A case study is the woman who was burnt by her husband. The other lady also read out an apology letter with a swollen eye. Many Nigerian women will rather be called widows than single mothers so they try everything within them to keep their marriages. So, if you see a Nigerian woman walk away from marriage, it means she’s truly exhausted her options.
“When I walked away from my marriage, I wasn’t really ready to end it completely, but the toxicity was at its peak and I knew it wasn’t healthy for any of us (husband, wife and child). I was outside and still creating room for negotiations. We needed professional help. One thing I was sure of was that I wasn’t going back if I didn’t see changes. My case was even worse because no one around me supported my leaving. Nobody even understood what I was talking about. The pressure from family and friends to go back was so high.
“I lost valuable relationships because I refused to heed their advice. Due to my position in the church, some concerned members reported me to my parish priest who invited me. I honoured the invitation but I had guts to tell the reverend father that we are adults and should be able to settle our differences by ourselves, that if we can’t, then no one should. The reverend father said he wanted to invite both of us and I told him I wasn’t going to honour the invitation. The Priest just gave up the case. I dropped all the positions I had in the church and stopped worshipping there.
“The pressure continued and I remember telling my ex one time to let us come back again. Thank God he refused because it would have been more disastrous as the root cause of the problem was not addressed. It was after some years that he finally filed for divorce. The thing is if I had gone back, it wouldn’t have been easy for me to come out again and the beating wouldn’t have stopped. A man who hits a woman will always have reasons to do that. A man who doesn’t hit a woman will never do that even with one million reasons.”
‘Marriage not do-or-die affair’
Also speaking with Blueprint Weekend, a civil servant, Victor Ayegba, said marriage is supposed to be enjoyed, advising that couples, especially celebrities, should consider divorce when the marriage is no longer working out.
He said, “I still can’t wrap my head around why someone will choose to stay in a toxic marriage because of what the world will say or trying to stay because divorce is unheard of in your family lineage. Some will say ‘I can’t leave because of my kids,’ the kids that will one day grow up without a mother! We all should just learn to put our happiness first. The world will definitely adjust to your decision when they’re done talking. Marriage shouldn’t be a do or die affair. It should be your safe haven and should have a soft landing.
“I’m not an advocate for divorce, but not when my life and happiness is on the line. If there’s anything I have always prayed for, it is to spend forever with my husband. Learn to control your anger and teach your kids to control theirs too and the world will definitely be a better place. Charity, they say, begins at home. The institution of marriage isn’t a do-or-die affair. If things aren’t working out between a couple, no matter how long they’ve been together, isn’t it preferable to call it quits for the sake of their mental health and peace of mind?
“I’m not so much concerned about who’s right or wrong. If one partner can’t continue in the marriage and initiates separation or divorce for personal reasons, I see no reason why outsiders shouldn’t respect his or her decision. Whether it’s Annie, 2baba, Basketmouth, Mabel, AY, May, etc. who decides to end their marriage, I respect their reasons and decisions. Even if May needs to wait for Yul to sign the divorce papers at his own time and convenience, or for the court to dissolve the marriage without his signature, I respect her decision.
“Alexer Peres, Harrysong’s wife, who initiated divorce proceedings about a year ago, recently shared that the court process is completed and she’s now a free woman. My response to her would be: It’s your decision and life! You know what’s best for you. Who am I to tell you otherwise? Throughout history, separation and divorce have never been considered a crime. 2baba, like anyone else, has every right to initiate separation or divorce if he so desires. It could be for her mental health and peace of mind, not necessarily his. So, as a married man or woman, if you know that you can’t bear it anymore, better leave in peace than rest in peace.”
‘Mutual respect’ll make marriages to last’
In his view, a marriage counsellor, Mrs. Stephanie Omagha, said marriages still work, but advised couples to have mutual respect for each other and not to be misled by social media.
She said: “It is disheartening that news of domestic violence, divorce and spousal killings dominate the media nowadays. I won’t blame any single person having doubts or entertaining second thoughts about getting married to his or her partner. Social media is not even helping matters as men and women are displaying all manner of toxicity and creating the impression that they got married with a preconceived decision to divorce in a matter of months or years. No one wants to enjoy or endure marriage anymore, especially women waking up to assert their rights.
“However, that does not mean there are no longer beautiful marriages out there. A lot of marriages are waxing stronger and will continue waxing stronger, especially when couples have mutual respect for each other. Couples have quarrels now and then and settle their differences without the involvement of third parties. It’s when third parties are involved that issues go haywire. In fact, consider your marriage dead once you bring your marital life to social media as you are bound to get misleading advice from people who are either single, divorced, feminists and even from broken homes without love.
“A good woman is a blessing to her husband and her home. When a woman chooses peace over conflict, respect over insult, and love over bitterness, she creates an atmosphere where her husband thrives and her family flourishes. A man recently blessed his wife with a new car on his birthday. It’s not because she demanded it or caused strife but because her kindness, patience, and respect inspired him to want to do more for her. This is a lesson for many: when you honour your husband, you ignite his desire to honour you in return.
“Ladies, understand this: a man who feels respected, loved, and supported by his wife will go above and beyond to see her happy. Toxicity, nagging and disrespect only tear down the home, leaving everyone unhappy. Instead, create peace in your home. Let your words and actions uplift your husband. A peaceful woman is priceless and no man can resist blessing her when she radiates such grace. Remember, love grows where peace dwells. Respect your man, build him up, and watch as he moves mountains to make you happy. A home built on respect and love is a home that stands strong.”